Starting over again

Repeat after me, "Single" is not a dirty word.

It has taken me years to realize it, but I no longer have to be half of a couple to be happy NOW. In my early 20s, it bothered me to go out by myself to movies or restaurants. I felt that people would notice and wonder what was wrong with me that I was by myself! But, after many years of business travel, I am now used to going places by myself and enjoying it! I enjoy the freedom I have to set my own schedule. When I feel the urge to go to a movie, I go! It doesn’t bother me if it’s a Saturday night, I can go to dinner and a movie without feeling odd. And, people notice when you are confident being single. It stands out, and makes you even more attractive as a person they want to meet. It’s obvious that you have chosen to be single.

Learn from your past relationships.

Take a hard look at your past relationships and see if you have set a pattern that is not working for you. For example, I am the nurturing type, and I find myself giving too much of myself for my partner, expecting little in return. That puts a relationship in too much of an imbalance, and later I get upset when he doesn’t do enough for me. I am learning to slow down my nurturing, and expect more from my partner from the very beginning of our relationship. I also realize that I need to stay away from men who want substitute mothers.

Rediscover YOU!

Did you give up too much of yourself in your last relationship? It’s one thing to compromise in a relationship, but quite another to bend so much that you end up a different person. Is there anything you gave up for your previous relationships that you would love to recover? This is the perfect time to increase your self-confidence by improving yourself. Start that diet or exercise program, get a haircut, buy a new outfit or new perfume, do something that will boost your spirits. But, whatever you do, do it for yourself, not anyone else. Call me, and I will meet you at the treadmills…

Do not compromise and accept what you don’t want!

Sometimes it is very hard to know what you want, but much easier to identify what you DON’T want. This can range from smoking and drinking preferences, to religion, politics, children, education, sports, etc. Get a notebook, and jot down what you want and don’t want in a partner, being as specific as possible. Then, rank the items in order of importance. Decide before you ever meet someone new, what you will not compromise on, then stick to it!

Get out & meet people!

1. go out with a group of your friends.
2. take a class.
3. discover your town or city by eating a new restaurants, going to sports events, festivals, museums, etc.
4. become a regular at your local restaurant bar, especially at places like Applebee’s or Chili’s. By becoming a regular, you will feel more comfortable popping in for a late dinner.
5. Join a co-ed sports team, like volleyball, softball, soccer, or bowling.
6. Go to your gym regularly.
7. Join your church singles group.
8. check out the personal ads online.

Be in control of your dating.

If dating is hard for you, take it slower. In the beginning, only go out with a group of friends, and try to get out once a week until you are comfortable going out. When you do date, meet first for lunch or coffee instead of a formal dinner date.

Don’t let first impressions fool you.

Pay attention to first impressions, but don’t expect perfection from the people you meet. There’s a difference between having a bad feeling about someone’s moral integrity, and dismissing them quickly for something like what type of socks he is wearing.

Don’t commit too quickly.

There is nothing wrong with dating more than one person at a time as long as you are honest with your dating partners. Don’t force relationships. Get to know others and take time to discover if you like them and want to spend more time with them.

Don’t look at every date as "the one."

There really are plenty of fish in the sea. Keep your dates lighthearted, not crossing over the line from getting to know your date to creating a false sense of intimacy that will cloud your decisions.  Don’t be afraid to say, "Next!" if it is obvious to you that it won’t work out.  How can you tell? One quick test: Would you rather watch TV… alone?

Alanna Webb is a writer, web developer, and lifelong diehard romantic. Her websites, including LoveStories, have received major media attention. Her passions include her two Shih Tzus, movies, and reading. She may be reached by email.

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