My Family Don’t Approve Of My Choice In Dating

All Wrong, Yet Going Strong by Shanidar Cabaraban

I was reading Romeo and Juliet for school last night when it dawned to me, that people in love really do crazy things. Seeing the world in rose-colored glasses, blind from each other’s flaws and pathetically so idealistic that love conquers all.

Family and friends tell them the real deal, they don’t listen. So utterly convinced that this time, a love like theirs would last a lifetime. Passionately emphatic that this person is their soul mate and they could not bear to part from each other, couples in love don’t notice the details like love handles, bad breath, rude personalities, financial stability–things that matter for SANE people. After all, they are in love. They have the license to be caught up in their private little splendor of grass.

What are the usual sane reasons why friends and families do not approve of your current love?

First, they use the:

1. Family background. “He’s born from the wrong side of the blanket. He’s illegitimate. His great grand-daddy seduced your great grand-daddy’s girlfriend. His dad is the village drunk. His mom is the official barangay nagger. His aunt is mentally unstable. His lola was checked in the mental institution.”

If that doesn’t work, they try different approaches:

2. Habits and personality. “He smokes. He drinks. He brags. Laughs loudly. Does not wear socks. He has lots of girls. He has three kids from different women. He doesn’t pay child support. Dirty finger nails. Smiles a lot. Does not smile a lot. Too smart. Too dumb. Curly hair. Too tall. Too short. He thinks he’s funny. He’s corny. Doesn’t know how to cook. Too meticulous. He’s a slob. He doesn’t brush his teeth.” And the list goes on and on…

3. Educational Achievement (or lack thereof). “He didn’t even finish high school or college” (depends on the stress of the tone of your dad’s voice). “He dropped out. He flunked Physics. Speaks funny English.”

For their ace in the hole:

4. Financial Stability. “He’s poor.” Need I say more?

5. Checkered Past. “He has 3 kids from different women. He got some girl pregnant when he was 18. He refused to marry her. He had the baby aborted,” and then the voices rise hysterically.

Finally, they say “He’s not good enough for you.”

The pressure from parents, siblings, peer mount to an overwhelming crescendo…and yet they persist to sing their own song and dance to their own tune. Which makes you wonder, what makes a couple, whom everybody thinks is all wrong for each other last more than we expected?

I asked a couple of friends and colleagues, what was the sustaining power to “defeat” these external relationship pressures and here are some insights:

1. Knowing what and who you want in a relationship. There are many different reasons for entering into a relationship: for companionship (go to movies, spend a day in the beach); for sexual experience (ahem!); to have a long-term partner (stay committed even if it means giving up a lot of independence); for financial reasons (as in “asukal de papa/mama” or sugar daddies and mommies).

When you are in a relationship and everybody is against, it’s important to know exactly what you want, who you want and how to get it. That way, it reduces the confusion and the anxiety. When everybody else sees that you’re adamant and headstrong about this person and come hell or high water, you are so sure this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, it’s easier to live with the daily sermons.

2. Open your eyes. Close your ears. Family and friends tend to mouth off and talk heat when it comes to their baby daughter hooking up with the long-haired, muscle-bound guy next door. They will enumerate his flaws and his defects, whether it be congenital or attitudinal, and a lot of them will sound silly: “He’s wearing thick glasses. Your kids will be born blind. He has gray hair. He will die first. You will be a widow by the time you’re thirty. He has yellow teeth.”

Best thing to do, accept his flaws and live with it. Don’t listen to them drone on and on about his flaws. Chances are, his family is doing the same with your flaws. Besides, you’re the one who has to see him everyday. If you can live with it, why not?

3. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Refer to the above reasons. You know him best. They don’t, but hon, don’t lie to yourself. If he’s not as honest as he may seem, if he’s not as loving, as sweet or as smart as he may appear, perhaps it’s time to start questioning the situation.

4. Communicate. The thing is, conflicts will arise. His family will do a character assassination on you. Your family might even do a real live assassination hit on him. It’s important that both parties talk about where they stand and how to survive this “You and Me Against the World” concept.

Talking helps, keeping all communication lines open. Couples have to know their place and they have to weed out the unnecessary elements of a relationship.

5. Taking it one day at a time. Don’t rush. As clichéd as it sounds, “if it’s meant to be, then it is.” Time can usually be a good ally to get to know your partner more. Soul mates wait several lifetimes to be together. What’s a few more months?

This is to people out there who still believe in Love Conquers All. Personally, I sing my own song and dance my own tune. If at the slightest hint, I feel he’s not what he seems to be, I’m out. But then, I’ve never met anyone worth hanging on to but looking forward to that.

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Shanidar Cabaraban is freelance journalist and monthly relationship columnist for whymenare.com, an online magazine for women